Thursday, January 29, 2015

The Ultimate Search

I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. Contemplating life and what it means.
There are massive questions about God and what happens to us after we die etc etc etc, But I am not talking about that kind of meaning of life. (You can read about my feelings about that HERE)

What I am talking about is Love.



Why are we here?
I believe we are here because of love.

Without love what are we?
Love creates life.
Love turns people into new people.
Love makes people Happy, Sad, Angry, Desperate.



Why when love can be SO painful do we continue to crave it?



I have been in love. I know how AMAZING it can be. When you have real love, love where the other person loves you as much as you love them, it is the most beautiful and amazing thing in the world.



Love isn't just between a man and a woman.
I love my children unconditionally. They are my world. They in turn love me unconditionally.
If only we could all love the way children do, it would be a much better place to live in.



Everything is geared up with love as a focus. TV, Movies, Songs, Books - pretty much ALL based around a love story. We are absolutely swamped with it, and I guess that is why we become so obsessed with it.



Girls give away their bodies searching, boys do stupid things to try to impress while searching. We feel incomplete without a relationship. But at what cost? How many people settle for less just because they are too afraid to be alone?

Why do I feel like I am a slave to love. I am desperate to find someone to share my life with, but why?
Am I afraid to be alone?
Why do I feel like I need a partner to complete me?
Is it because Jason left such a gaping hole in my life I am trying to fill it?



I think it is because I knew true, amazing, pure love and I know how spectacular that is. I desperately want that feeling in my life again. That feeling of happiness, security, stability, bliss.

Don't get me wrong, Jason was by far not perfect, and neither was our relationship. We saw each others imperfections but loved each other anyway. We worked through our issues and came to compromises and conclusions rather than giving up at the first sign of trouble. That is what real love should be like. Hold no grudges, work through issues, forget about the past.


The thing is though, we are never going to find love when and how we want to. Love is not going to solve all our problems or make us happy. Love is not going to fix our problems or get us a better job.
The truth is no one else can make you happy. No one else can make changes in your life to make your life better. Love can certainly enhance your life but not fix it.

The only person who can make you happy is YOU. Unless you love yourself and are happy within yourself you can't make the changes you need to make your life better for you then no one else is going to be able to help you.


I've taken the last almost 5yrs to get to know the unmarried me. It took me 4yrs to be ready to even begin to look for a new relationship. I have learnt a lot over the last year of dating. I have been knocked down a couple times but I have come back stronger and wiser and more ready than ever.
I know what I want, Now the tick is to find him!!!

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Betrayal

I have been in a few relationships since I was a teenager, there were a few before Jason and have now been a few after. I don't regret dating any of them, except one.

I have learnt some very valuable lessons over the last few months about trust, honesty, deceit and betrayal.

I come from a good family, a great family in fact. I am a little innocent and naive when it comes to many different "bad" things in this world. So when I met this person who came from a completely different world to me I had no idea what to expect. And once I found out about this world it was too late to back out, I was already too emotionally invested. The saddest thing was I found out about the world but he insisted it was all in the past. I am not sure why I believed him. I am not sure why I trusted him. They do say love is blind and I guess because of my feelings for him I WANTED to believe and trust him.


Sadly he was still living in his world big time. He lied, stole, cheated, and was involved in all this "bad" stuff. I was too naive and trusting to take in the signs. My friends saw how happy I was and also chose to ignore the signs. But as I look back there were plenty of signs.

I feel like I have been ripped from the inside out. How can someone I loved so much, trusted so much and invested so much into do this to me?
How could he flatly lie to me right in my face?
How could anyone take advantage of someone's kindness, love and generosity so much?

Because he is not from, and never will be from my world.


I have learnt about deceit, dishonesty, lying and cheating. Something no one should have to learn about in such a way.

It makes me sick to think that he lived in my house, bonded with my children, met many of my family & friends. He did all this and was betraying me the whole time.



This experience hasn't put me off dating. I am hurt for sure. But out of all the guys I have dated over the years this is the first truly BAD egg. So when you think about it the percentages aren't so bad. There is hope.

One of my friends said don't let one jerk put you off finding your Prince Charming. I said to her I already found him, and then he died.

I often wonder if I am being selfish and greedy for wanting to find love again when some people never get to experience the love that Jason and I had.

But I am young, and I have a long life ahead of me and I really don't want to spend it alone. My kids are going to leave home one day and then what?

My Grandad just celebrated his 90th Birthday - can I imagine the next almost 60 years on my own? 
Heck No.

So I guess in time I will put myself out there again. I will brave the masses, risk my heart and feelings to try find that someone special. 
Because Life is there for living and Love is one of the greatest parts of life!!

Monday, January 5, 2015

2015

Wow, last year I blogged 6 times.
I figured I might be over the blogging thing, that I might not need it anymore, that I have nothing else to share.

It's only 4 days into 2015 and it's already being a tough one.

Last year a met a wonderful man. We dated, he moved in, we fell in love. We went through some good and not so good stuff together and then a week after Christmas, quite unexpectedly to me, he ended it.



I'm not angry.

I am sad and upset and confused.



I will be ok. I know that because I got through losing Jason, and honestly this is nothing compared to that. But it still hurts. A lot.



It kind of brings me to what I want to talk about.

It took me 4 years to start dating after Jason died. WOW what an unexpected emotional roller coaster it has been.
I have been on a few dates with a few different guys.
I have dated a couple for a while.
I fell in love even.

But Jason was still always on my mind. And the feelings of guilt and betrayal were hard things to overcome. But I worked through them. And yes, sadly, the relationship I thought might be the next "one" didn't turn out to be but as I sit here feeling sorry for myself and wondering what I did wrong, I also think "wow" look how far I have come. Look at what I have overcome to get to this stage and place in my life.



I have this flaw, and it's that I care too much too quickly. You see I have had my husband, my Grandmother and my Father all die quickly and unexpectedly in the last 4 1/2 years.  It kind of reiterates to me that Life is short. You need to grab the bull by the horns and ride it. You have NO idea what is going to happen tomorrow. Yeah I suppose that this philosophy may have caused me too much hurt, but in amongst the hurt was experience, fun, happiness. I learnt a lot from my last relationship. I had experiences I have never had before and as much as it hurts like heck right now I have no regrets. Maybe, if there is a next time, I will have learnt enough to make a better, stronger, more amazing relationship with someone.


Really at the end of the day it will be better to say "OMG what a knob I was for doing that" than having to say "I really wish I had of given that a go"

Go check out this AMAZING blog - Bone Marrow For Life. 
Raymond lost his Love to Cancer. Such a horrible disease, He was one of the rocks in my life when my Jason died. (read about that HERE) I read his blog and I smile because I know that yes he is in pain and yes life sucks but he is going to be ok.
Someone else who has the same philosophy as me - I love his catch phrase ....

Live a life you are proud of.

Be Better. Love Better.

So I challenge you in 2015 to step out of your comfort zone and LIVE!!! Challenge yourself, do the things you always wished you could do. Don't wait until tomorrow because tomorrow might just not happen.

Tell the people who you love that you love them, spend time on things you are passionate about and most of all MAKE NO EXCUSES!!!!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Woe is Me and all that Crap

It has been a while since I blogged. I feel pretty meh about it all but something I saw today has made me want to express my thoughts and feelings.


2 weeks ago my Beautiful Dad passed away. He was only 62. It was VERY sudden and unexpected. Minor surgery caused complications that in the end were fatal. To be honest I am still in shock and don't think that the reality of my Dad not being here anymore has really sunk in.

My Mum is absolutely devastated, as you could imagine. Losing your soul mate is a heart wrenching affair, I know I've been there. I want to be there for my Mum as much as I possibly can, she has always been my rock and I want to be able to be hers too, however it is sometimes difficult as I am also reeling over the fact that my Dad is gone.

November 1997 my Dad was in a horrific work accident which almost killed him. He was knocked down by a 10 ton concrete panel which fell off his truck on top of him. He had some pretty major injuries and spent the next 8 months in hospital. The biggest of these injuries was he damaged his spinal cord and became a paraplegic. The last, almost, 17 years have been a struggle for my parents. They have both had to learn to live with a major disability and their relationship changes would have been quite epic. I have always admired and adored the obvious love and affection my parents had for each other. I was one of the lucky ones with parents still together at high school. To go through all that life changing trauma and my parents came out still with this amazing love for one another.


Despite the fact that I wish my Dad was still here and that my Mum wasn't on her own, I can't help but be somewhat relieved that my Dad doesn't have to go through old age as a paraplegic. Life was already beginning to get difficult for him and he had already been through so much. He will be at peace now and his legs will be working again in heaven, possibly kicking my husbands butt for not being here for me!


In my 37years of life I have had to deal with a bit, not as much as some, but still more than I believe I should have. I have had a sheltered life as far as the fact that I had a great childhood, I have never wanted for food or shelter or love. I've never known addiction or abuse.  But the trauma of having my Dad almost die and become a paraplegic, losing my own husband and now my Dad way too early have certainly paid a toll.

I feel like I have an excuse, somewhat, to become a bitter, cynical depressive.
But I am not.


I understand that depression is a mental illness. For some people. Those kind of people suffer in silence and struggle on a daily basis to function in a "normal" fashion.


Today I saw a "Woe is me, no one cares and no one will miss me when I am gone" post. In my personal opinion that is not depression, it is attention seeking. Ever noticed how negative behaviour attracts negative outcomes?

I choose to not be negative. I chose to see my glass half full. It's taken me a REALLY long time after Jason's death for me to get here. The main thing is I have 2 beautiful children who I don't want growing up hating the world. Yes shit happens. No it isn't fair. There is nothing we can do about a lot of it. I can't bring Jason or my Dad back, but would they be happy if I was wallowing in misery? Of course not. It doesn't mean I am not ever going to be sad, or grieving. It doesn't mean I won't get angry or upset. What it means is I won't let the anger and sadness take over my life.

I have hope for a wonderful life for my children. I want them to grow up thinking WOW this is life and it is AMAZING. I want them to live and experience life in abundance.


If you don't think anyone cares about you, or things are going wrong, and when I say this I don't mean major things like cancer, or redundancy or death. I mean things like I can't afford a new car, I have no friends, the dog shat on the carpet. Have a serious look at yourself. Because, in my opinion, 95% of your problems are exactly that. YOUR problems. Don't like it? Change it. Change your attitude to life and see what amazing things can happen. Don't whinge about it to people who actually have REAL problems in their lives. We hate that.

And for those people who do have real shit going on, I salute you and send you as much strength as I can, especially right now to my Mum.



Friday, May 16, 2014

4 Years Today .....

Another year has gone by without you.



The grief I feel for your loss isn't constant any more, it comes in like the tide in ebbs and waves.  Somedays are stormy and the grief swell overwhelms me. Other days are calm and peaceful.



So much has happened in this last year. We are all growing and changing.



Riley is a senior at school. He is fast turning from a boy into a young man. Everyday he is looking more and more like you. He hurts as much as I do. We were talking about around the time you died. He remembers as much as I do. He says little but feels much.



Abbey is growing like a weed. She is going to be a handful when she hits puberty. She has your cheeky sense of humor and your sparkle and smile. She misses the thought of you. She doesn't remember what it was like to have a loving Dad. She has had more life without you now than with you.



I am at an emotional cross-roads. I love you with the same intensity as I did before, that will never change. But I am so lonely. I have started dating. It's confusing, especially at the times like this when I am feeling so much sadness at your loss but also feeling excitement for the upcoming date I have. I miss you everyday you aren't here. I still cry, although not so much as I used to. My heart is still aching and the hole you left will never be filled.



I am strong, and brave. I have found myself, the me without you. I quite like her. She is spirited, funny, cute, quirky, creative and filled with love. I know I am lovable and worth loving because YOU loved me. You loved me with your everything. I am glad I know that. I am so privileged to have had the whole heart of an amazing man in my hands. So many people live their whole lives not having the kind of love we shared. For that love I am greatful. For that 8 years we had together I am thankful.  I really hope that one day I get to hold someones heart like that again, and they can hold mine too.



Today, like the last 3 years we will be at Spring Hill Prison. Sitting in your memorial garden. Remembering, reflecting, grieving your loss.
I will leave my 8 orange gerberas. I will think of you, as I do everyday.




















I will LIVE my life to honor yours. I will teach our children the power of love and the importance of life and the importance of people. We will live our lives and live them well.
We will NEVER forget you, your love or our love for you.



You will always be in our hearts.

alwaysforeverandeternity

Your Princess xxxx

When it Happened
Year One
Year Two
Year Three

Monday, January 27, 2014

Things I'm Loving


I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful for..no matter how simple it is.
I am Loving .......

This crazy girl and her crazy outfits, which mostly tend to be her dolls clothes!!!

My beautiful Phoebe. Phoebe is my baby I had before I had babies. She is 12years old and I was a little concerned about her health so took her to the vet. Turns out she is in perfect health but may be going a little senile. The vet called her a dottery old lady!! She is my snuggle bum.


Getting new clothes from amazing local artists!! If you haven't already go check out Jessie Rose who has recently opened a store in Kamo. She is an AMAZING artist and I absolutely love her Rose Red and Boy Black ranges. Riley is modeling a Boy Black T-shirt.


My neighbour, who recently moved out, gave me a heap of wood that was on her property.  We borrowed my uncles chainsaw and my brother chopped it up. This is only half! I don't think I'll have to buy much, if any firewood this winter! Score!!!


Using the long weekend (Northland Anniversary) to take advantage of exploring my hometown!

Visiting Reotahi Marine Reserve

Visiting the Quarry Gardens

Reading LOTS. I have given myself a goal, over at Goodreads, to read 100 books this year. I have so many books that have been given to me that I want to read. My library is overflowing!! I love it! Reading is good for my soul, I want to feed my soul a lot more this year.


Linking up with Megan

I {Heart} Whangarei

It's been a while since I've done one of these posts. I really want to get back into exploring all the wonderful things in Whangarei and crossing some more things off my Hometown bucket list.
What a better way to motivate me than to start up a weekly Linky!!
I am going to start doing a weekly linky about Loving your Hometown and I challenge you to show me how awesome your hometown is by blogging about the wonderful things you can do there!!



Check out my I {Heart} Whangarei  tab to see previous posts about exploring my hometown.

This week I am starting with

Reotahi Marine Reserve

Both of my children have been on snorkeling trips with school to Reotahi. The EMR (Experiencing Marine Reserves) Team came to school for a few visits before hand and gave the children lessons on how to use the snorkeling gear, which they provided, and taught them all about Marine Reserves and the importance of looking after our ocean life.

I thoroughly enjoyed going on both school trips with my kids and had a blast going snorkeling, something I haven't done in many years.

Riley's Reotahi Trip 2011


Abbey's Reotahi Trip 2013

Last week I noticed a Facebook event for a Snorkeling Day out at Reotahi and of course jumped at the chance to go along with the family.

We got up early and headed out first thing Saturday morning, we must have arrived about 10am.  There weren't many people there and we waited for a few minutes to fill out our registration form and read the safety rules and get assigned our guide for our swim.

ALL the gear was supplied, snorkels and masks, flippers, wetsuit and a boogie board with a photo montage of all the different things we might see while we were snorkeling.

We met with our guide, Anton, and he helped us get our gear, showed us how to use it and went over all the safety rules. He also talked a little bit about Reotahi. It was started by a group of Kamo High School students about 6 years ago! Reotahi is the first marine reserve to be started by students ever! Amazing!!!

Then we got to get in the water. The kids were so excited when we saw fish and seaweed. There was a lot to look at and Anton pointed out quite a few things to us as we swam along. We must have spent about 1/2 hour snorkeling around the rocks and bay.

It was AWESOME and ALL free. I definitely recommend you heading out there if you can the next time they do another Fun Day.

Reotahi Trip 2014


So what have you done in your Hometown lately?



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